a mess of a post about messy life

I thought of something to write about. I actually got out of bed to write this. Feel honored.

Over the past month (or two), I've been struggling to wrap my head around who I am, why I'm here, and where the incompatibilities in the ways I think, behave, believe, and live lie. I could very easily point fingers at this, that, and the other for why such problems exist, but there is a degree of futility even I won't entertain.

I've realized recently that there is something greatly lacking in this world, and a polite word for it is not readily in mind, so I'll call it what I would if we were talking: balls. What I mean by this is a bold, informed, intelligent, daring, unflinchingly decisive leadership with integrity. That list might not seem a single thing, but it all works together. With a well formed mind comes the courage to make decisions without worrying that it will need to be retracted because of faulty planning. There is a lack of decisiveness in my culture. Every opinion is considered equal, and questions are celebrated. I am certainly not anti-questioning; heaven knows I ask a lot and think more. The problem is that there is no standard to which we hold opinions and questions and thoughts. I realize that opinion is subjective, but some things are simply not true or right or good. Why can't we as a culture say that?

As I am writing this, I realize that my appeal is focused on the wrong group. The culture is a pluralistic and devout mass of worshipers clambering toward the shrines to the pantheon of celebrity, youth, money, and (it would seem) volume.

No, my appeal should be to my brothers and sisters. When will we decide that enough is enough? Emotion is not a good indicator for decision-making. There are beliefs that I hold which I do not like, but they are true nonetheless. Is that a cognitive dissonance? Perhaps. Perhaps it means that there is work to be done in realizing the nature of what is true. Perhaps I can learn why things are, and what that means about Who made them that way. I am frustrated at myself now, though, because I want to be well-informed. I want to be a member of a group of people who have the balls to engage with that blind and absurd culture and shine light.

The thing I've learned this year is that it is all related. All those little, disparate (disparate, not desperate) beliefs are related. They stem from a core. I am learning that we by and large have grown the little things with a core that is not stable at all. No wonder we are tossed by every wave of teaching. Where is the core? Where is the anchor? Where are the balls? We need to learn to think well, to debate and stretch our perspectives, to entertain ideas without accepting them. We need to read books that we might not always get. We need to figure out what it is we truly believe from the base up. We need to ask tough questions that might not be answered in a pamphlet or sermon with alliterated points. Dialogue is a great thing in this situation, but it's not enough, and it certainly doesn't hold all the answers. Don't just ask someone. Read people who disagree with each other and with you. Figure out why they can't all be right. Find heresy and know why it's classified as such.

You know what? This way you approach the world--your world-view--is in your hands for shaping and moulding. First you have to realize that it exists, that it's malleable, and that it blinds you to some things and highlights others. Then, go for it. Get discontent. Get upset. Get frustrated with the status quo. But don't stop. That's where I am... frustrated and discontent. If I stop here, I'll wallow and be mired forever. Push forward. I must keep going. I know that the process of change is a never-ending one, but I'm certain that without change I will never be a person worth listening to about life, much less engaging in life with as a friend. Why bother with someone who only believes in the little stuff but is full of fluff?

I am beginning to see that it is worth the battle.

T